The holidays are supposed to be about connection. But when you’re living with chronic pain, they become a masterclass in pretending you’re okay when really, you’re struggling.
Chances are you know this script by heart: the dismissive comments (‘you look fine!’), the pressure to participate fully, the guilt when you need to leave early.
Again.
You’re not imagining it. Chronic pain flares really can get worse during the holidays. There are real reasons why this happens, and more importantly, there are tangible steps you can take that will help.
Why Living with Chronic Pain Becomes More Difficult Around the Holidays
When you’re living with chronic pain, your nervous system is already on high alert. Think of it as an alarm system that’s become oversensitive, sending danger signals even when there’s no real threat. The holidays amplify this response in a variety of ways that create a perfect storm for pain flares.
The Invalidation Cycle
This often leads to a cycle. First, someone tells you “you look fine” or suggests your pain “can’t be that bad.” This doesn’t just leave you with hurt feelings. Believe it or not, your brain actually registers these kinds of feedback as social threats. Why? Because being dismissed by people we care about genuinely feels harmful to our nervous system. This threat response increases tension, vigilance, and stress hormones in your body, which can turn up the volume on pain processing.
Then comes the loneliness. When no one believes you, isolation can quickly set in. That isolation adds another layer of threat, keeping the cycle going. Research shows that pain validation (being both believed and supported) is connected to experiencing less psychosocial stress and better coping in chronic pain. Invalidation does the opposite, intensifying distress and often making pain symptoms feel worse.
5 Holiday-Specific Chronic Pain Triggers
The holidays create additional challenges when you’re living with chronic pain:
- More contact with people who don’t understand. Extended family gatherings often mean more opportunities for well-meaning but hurtful comments about your pain, your appearance, or what you “should” be able to do.
- Broken routines. Your carefully maintained schedule (think: sleep times, medication routines, gentle movement practices) gets disrupted by travel, late nights, and visitors.
- Performance pressure. There’s an unspoken expectation to smile, host, be present, and participate fully. This pressure to hide or diminish your pain leads to overextending yourself, which inevitably causes a crash later.
- The comparison trap. Witnessing everyone else seemingly handle the chaos with ease can trigger shame and self-doubt.
- Sensory overload. Crowded stores, loud gatherings, bright lights, and constant activity can overwhelm an already overstimulated and sensitive nervous system.
Understanding the Mind-Body Connection in Chronic Pain
If you’ve been living with chronic pain for a while, chances are you’ve tried countless treatments focused solely on the physical aspects of your pain. But here’s what makes the difference: understanding that pain isn’t exclusively a physical sensation. In reality, it’s deeply influenced by neural pathways in your brain.
Sometimes these pathways are altered. This can cause your brain to misinterpret normal bodily signals as pain. This doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. But it does mean the solution to chronic pain management might be different from what you’ve been told in the past.
When invalidation and stress pile up during the holidays, your brain’s pain processing system amplifies.
The neural pathways that were already firing become even more active, interpreting everyday sensations as threats. To truly find relief, you’ll need to add safety signals to your nervous system.
How? It all starts with self-validation, clear boundaries, and calming the nervous system.
| Ready to Understand Your Pain on a Deeper Level?If this mind-body connection is starting to make sense, but you want to learn more as you head into the holiday season, DC Metro Therapy offers an on-demand webinar, “3 Steps to Healing Chronic Pain.” It breaks down the neuroscience behind chronic pain flares and gives you specific tools you can start using right away. You’ll learn why traditional treatments might have missed the mark and discover an evidence-based approach that addresses pain where it truly begins: in your brain. |
What Actually Helps When You’re Living with Chronic Pain During the Holidays
The good news? You can take action to protect your nervous system and reduce pain flares, even in challenging holiday situations. Here’s what our team has seen work in therapy sessions, again and again.
Build Inner Validation First
You don’t need everyone to understand you. You just need one or two supportive people in your corner.
The only other person that really matters? You! Before holiday gatherings, practice micro self-validation:
“What I’m feeling is real. Pain is my nervous system’s alarm, not a character flaw. Of course, this hurts more when I feel judged.”
Try this three-phase exercise before events (you can run through it in your head or even journal):
- What I feel → What I wish they’d say → What I will say to myself
Decide in advance whose opinions actually matter to you. Maybe it’s your partner, your therapist, and one or two trusted friends. Once you get clear on whose opinion matters most, everyone else becomes background noise.
When you practice self-validation first, you can more readily engage (or disengage) with family from steadier ground, which, in turn, reduces pain flares.
Create a Boundary Menu
Boundaries may feel like conflict at first. But while putting them in place can initially feel uncomfortable, the reality is that they are an important part of self-care and preservation. Give yourself permission to set clear limits.
Here are some simple scripts to keep in your back pocket. I use these with my clients often.
Pre-event text: “I’m excited to see everyone. Quick note. I’ll need a 15-minute lie-down mid-afternoon. Thanks for rolling with me.”
Comment boundary: “I’m not looking for feedback right now. I’m following a plan that works for me.”
Time boundary: “I can do 2 hours today. If I fade earlier, I’ll duck out.”
Broken-record technique if pushed: “I’m not discussing that.” Repeat once or twice, then exit the conversation.
Three Choices in the Moment
When someone says something dismissive or hurtful, you have three options:
Engage (only if you have the energy): “When you say ‘you look fine,’ it makes me feel dismissed. What helps is ‘I believe you. How can I support you?'”
Deflect: “Not a pain day conversation. Tell me about your new job!”
Exit: “I’m taking a reset. Be back in 10.”
Nervous System Resets You Can Do Quietly
When you feel pain ramping up or stress building, these techniques send safety signals to your brain:
Physiological sigh: Take a deep breath in through your nose, then take in another small sip of air on top of it. Exhale slowly through your mouth. This quickly shifts your nervous system from alert to calm.
Orienting: Name five things you can see, three things you can hear, and one thing you can feel. This grounds you in the present moment.
Gentle movement: Slow shoulder rolls, a brief walk, or a doorway pec stretch can release tension without drawing attention.
Pacing and Flare Prevention
Living with chronic pain is most successful when you learn to work with your body instead of against it:
Pre-commit to limits: Drive yourself to events when possible so you can leave on your own timeline. Set an arrival time and a departure time in advance.
Anchor your routines: Keep your wake time consistent, get morning light exposure, and maintain some version of your usual movement practice—even a holiday-lite version counts.
Build in downtime: Schedule recovery time before and after gatherings. This isn’t optional; it’s essential for preventing crashes.
Mindset Shifts That Ease the Holiday Pressure
Validation is soothing, but not required. You can take excellent care of your body without needing to prove anything to anyone.
Good-enough holidays beat perfect ones. A smaller plan you can actually participate in and enjoy is better than the perfect plan that feels overwhelming or unapproachable.
Disengaging is protection, not punishment. Boundaries protect your well-being. That’s an act of self-care, not conflict.
Taking the Next Step in Your Healing
Living with chronic pain doesn’t have to mean living with limitations forever. Once you come to understand the role your brain plays in processing pain signals, real relief becomes possible.
If you’re ready to explore a treatment approach that addresses the root cause of chronic pain (not just the symptoms) Calm Your Brain, Heal Your Pain teaches Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT), an evidence-based approach that helps you rewire neural pathways that experience pain differently.
You’ll learn practical tools to identify what intensifies your pain, navigate setbacks, and move toward lasting relief.
Living with chronic pain is exhausting. But it doesn’t have to define your life.
Ready to approach this holiday season differently?
Whether you’re gathering evidence that your pain is brain-based, learning to validate yourself first, or setting boundaries that protect your nervous system, remember: you don’t need everyone to understand you. You need yourself, a few trusted confidants, and the right framework for healing. The holidays may bring extra challenges when you’re living with chronic pain, but they don’t have to bring defeat. With the right tools and support, you can navigate this season in a way that honors both your body and your healing journey.
